October 4, 1999

Their closeness left her speechless. It was as if he had reached through her chest and lightly touched his finger against the slick, warm quivering muscle of her heart. Locked in each other’s gaze, nothing else existed outside of the world they had created.

That was six months ago. Now the guy seems to be always checking out other girls, his phone calls are less frequent, and the intimate dinners at restaurants with romantic names like Entre Nous have given way to happy hours at Boomer’s sports bar.

"Men are such disappointments!" an exasperated, young woman-friend of mine declared the other night. And with that sentiment I could not entirely disagree. During my long-term relationship, I know I certainly was. Looking back, I can pinpoint a thousand poor or insensitive decisions that I made that all contributed to our ultimate break-up.

But with time and experience, I think most men get better. Like ball gloves, we need to get beaten up and broken in before we can really function properly.

Take lust as an example. While a pretty girl will always catch a guy’s attention, most men learn quickly that there’s no such thing as casual sex. From personal experience, never has there been an encounter that has not left some sticky emotional residue. No one likes to feel like a jerk the morning after. So, like a rat in a Skinner Box who learns that he can avoid the electric shock by simply not pushing on the tempting metal bar, most men eventually decide that a kiss goodnight is just as pleasant and much less entangling than a hasty, heated charge into the bedroom. (Or bathroom, or library stairwell, or Subaru Outback.) Seriously, what’s the rush? Too often have I confused a beautiful woman with a woman of substance or a passing fancy with a relationship worthwhile. Time fleshes out the truth. So give it time. If, after 20 dates, you’re still interested, then you can "Tell ‘em Paul Hogan sent ya."

Men also tend to develop a sensitivity to art and literature and good music as they get older and better broken in. A man who has suffered a few of those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune can see his own reflection in the distant gaze of Van Gogh’s Dr. Gachet. He can wince with Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire as the paper lantern is torn away and the harsh, merciless light reveals every crevice on her once-smooth face. And he can tear-up without shame as Edith Piaf’s voice carries him back to the memory of what Stevie Wonder called, "yester-me, yester-you, yesterday." Take comfort, ladies. Sensitivity and artistic appreciation are not domains uninhabitable to men. Look at all the famous males whose paintings, plays, novels, overtures, and sonatas have moved us to reflection, to laughter, and to tears. These guys couldn’t all be gay, could they?

Relationships are sometimes tough and some men are, indeed, disappointing. But men certainly aren’t from Mars, nor are women from Venus. We’re both from right here and there really aren’t any big differences between how we think or what we want. Puberty makes things somewhat confusing, but, in our best moments, we are basically the same. We all want to be happy and feel like our lives are worth something. As for our partners, we want someone who inspires and excites us. We want someone who is kind and comforting. Someone dependable. Someone with whom we can share and learn. Someone to hold hands with on this Long Walk. And, if we, ourselves, are all of those things, we can expect to attract that person.

But if we are cold and angry and jaded…well…you know the deal about reaping what you sow. As the Beatles said, "in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

Broadway Jim Jenkins