September 22, 1999

The other day, I received a call from a gentleman in Southern California who wanted to promote his new book on my company’s web site. After a brief, pleasant conversation about the writing life, I asked the man what his book was about.

"I’ll FedEx you a copy" the man said happily.

True to his word, the next day, I received the man’s book. The title I cannot share with you. But the subheading promised the following:

The GUARANTEED safe and effective way to enlarge and strengthen your penis... without pumps, surgery, pills, creams or devices!

"Well isn’t that special" I said to myself.

Intrigued, I turned to the first page.

"In this powerful manual, you’ll find out how YOU can increase the length, girth and power of your penis safely and effectively."

"Girth" is a word that seems to only come up when talking about a man’s privates. As I pondered that reality, I tried to come up with other ways to employ the word "girth."

"That book case has a lot of girth to it."

"My computer monitor is quite girthy."

Nothing seemed to fit. The best I could come up with was Girth Brooks, which would be my name if I ever entered the world of adult film.

Reading on, I discovered ways to test for erectile dysfunction or ED. Those of you who have seen the Bob Dole commercials are aware of this condition. According to this gentleman’s book, to test oneself for ED, try the following:

"Before going to bed, take an ordinary roll of postage stamps and, moistening them, wrap them around your unerect penis. Upon awakening, if everything is in physical working order, the stamps will be separated as a result of the natural penile tumescence cycle which occurs in all physically healthy men as they sleep."

I thought about that and wondered if it would be poor form to use those stamps later on to send in bills, thank you notes, and post cards. My conclusion was that what the recipient didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.

The author of this invaluable guide also instructs the reader how to become longer by applying significant tensile force in a direction opposite the body. Translation: Pull on it long enough and you’ll stretch it out. Upon reading this, I grew concerned. All of this pulling and manipulating may cause some men—those who do not suffer from ED—to end their training session prematurely. The author must have read my thoughts, for a few paragraphs down, he put my mind at ease:

"At this time, you may ejaculate if you wish."

Thank God!

Compassionate coaching like this is found throughout the text.

"It’s far better to be a confident, caring, sensitive lover with a "less-than-mammoth" sized penis than an insensitive, selfish brute with a huge tool hanging down to your knees."

Amen.

Upon completing this short read, I thought back to my recent high school reunion. In attendance, were classmates who now work in television in San Diego, run a B&B in Cozumel, practice law in Denver, etc., etc. In sizing them up (so to speak), I was quite impressed with their accomplishments. I wondered how might the classmates of the author of the afore-mentioned book react when he told them that he teaches men how to stretch out their puds. Wouldn’t he be embarrassed? Wouldn’t he be ashamed?

The moral of this story is two-fold.

Number one, size does matter.

Secondly, this man wrote a book about jerking off and got it published. I poured everything I had into my book about the spiritual rigors and awakenings of a cadet at West Point and I’m still yards away from that brass ring. I guess there’s something to be said for giving the people what they want.

Now I must go. My new manuscript about Thai strippers awaits.

"Broad"-way Jim Jenkins