Beware of Flse Prophets

September 22, 1998

I used to work for the oldest company in America. Now I work for one of the newest. Each of them posed their own set of unique problems.

In the army, 223 years of tradition, practices, and experience factor into every single thing a soldier does. From cleaning the latrine with a wooden mop to assaulting an objective with an M1 tank, the principles for planning and executing these operations have been passed down from "a million ghosts in olive drab, in brown khaki, in blue and gray." The template is carved very deeply and to deviate from that is nearly forbidden.

This is extremely good for some. If one takes the time to memorize a couple dozen field manuals, one can go far in the army. When the battalion commander asks, "Captain, how do you propose to prepare your company defense?", just start quoting those field manuals. "Well sir, according to FM 17-15, Change 2, it seems to me that the best course of action is to put the company in a defensive posture perpendicular to the enemy's advance." What that means is that the young captain is going to put his guys in a line and wait for the other guys--the bad guys--to come stumbling into them. Of course, if he'd said it that way, the Colonel would have relieved him of command.

In the army, it's not so much a question of who you know or what you know, but how people think you know it. If you put stuff into army-speak, you'll be a general in no time. (30 years tops.)

What I just described is 100% true for a peacetime army. In times of war, however, history shows that a bolder, more entrepreneurial attitude toward whooping the enemy always saves the day. The problem is, those free-er thinkers usually leave the ranks of the regular army during peacetime; so the nation is left with timid, incompetents leading its sons and daughters into the initial battles of any major conflict.

The company I work for now is not bounded by a whole lot of traditions. The template is not merely shallow; there is no template to work with at all. True, The New York Times is almost 150-years-old and full of bureaucratic absurdities. But I work for the Electronic Media division of the company. We're all about the Internet. Separate building. Separate bosses. Pretty much separate everything. We're a start-up company in a brand new industry. It's very exciting.

And sometimes it's a little frustrating. Since there are no traditions to adhere to or standard operating procedures for us to follow left by Web pioneers long-dead, we're kind of feeling our way in the dark. However, since this is a business and we must make a profit to survive, we don't have time to cautiously feel out anything. I guess it's more accurate to say we're running as fast as we can through a dark, twisted maze.

In these uncharted waters, plenty of opportunity exists for young "information speculators" to make a name for themselves. Since no one knows what they are doing, those who say they know something appear to be the long-awaited Messiah that will deliver a company from confusion.

But these Messiahs speak in strange tongues. Their's is an ad hoc language; they make shit up as they go.

There are a few Messiahs where I work. These guys quote Immanuel Kant and Pliny the Elder, Descartes and Darwin, Goethe and Gates to dazzle and mesmerize middle-aged managers who have been scratching their heads since the day the corporate execs put them in charge of "that Internet thing." These pre-Atari adults are more than happy to follow the Information Speculators, the Menu Bar Messiahs, the TCP/IP Pied Pipers. Finally, someone else can do the worrying for them.

So, with no true adult supervision, companies like mine are led astray by wunderkind spouting nonsense. These kids say, "We need to provide content that matches the known interest of the user," which translates into "we need to write stuff people want to read." Phrases like:

"semantic disconnect"

"Rainmaker technology"

"compartmentalized logic"

"wild postings"

"standard protocol"

make these guys sound like they got something out of their Ivy League MBA. A guy from City College might betray the inherent limitations of his education by using such pedestrian terminology as:

"you two are saying the same thing, just in a different way"

"our product can help you find information about nearly everything"

"the way we write for our business section is different than how we approach the arts"

"fliers nailed to telephone poles"

"the way we do things"

Two of the favorite words spouted by young, information Messiahs are "savvy" and "guru." People who know how to use the Internet are savvy. People who really know how to use the Internet are Gurus. I hear those words a dozen times a day, and I've come to loathe them, the way Monica Lewinsky loathes dry cleaning.

Now one thing it's taken me too long to learn and put into practice is the old saying, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." The drunks in AA say something similar with their Serenity Prayer. "God give me the wisdom to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." (Or words to that effect.)

These information Messiahs get promotions and they make more money than I do. So, hey, if they can bullshit their way up, why shouldn't I?

So the other night, I'm at happy hour with one of these wunderkinds and we start talking shop. He was going on and on and on about the psychological motivations that one must have to use the Internet. "It's all about God or Gold or Love" he said, drawing out each word. The sheep bahhed in agreement.

I remained silent.

"What do you think Jim?" the Messiah asked me.

"Well" I began with a complete look of seriousness on my face, "I think it all goes back to Eamon DeValera's application of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle to the usage patterns of mass media. One must seek before one can find. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true."

After a moment's reflection, the Messiah spoke. "I agree. One must seek before one can find. That's the idea behind targeted banner advertising."

A collective "ahh" rose up from the group.

The conversation moved on. One of my buddies leaned over and whispered, "What the fuck did you just say?"

"You mean you don't know?" I asked with false mortification. Then I smiled and let him in on the joke. Eamon DeValera was the first president of The Republic of Ireland. That's about all I remembered from my History of Great Britain class. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is something I learned in Physics or Chemistry. It has something to do with science, but it is only the name, and not the principle itself, that I remember. All the rest I just added as it came to me.

What is the moral of this long story? Simple. Rapid, extraneous monologues imbued with excessive verbosity often results in rapid advancement.

Translation: If you can talk fast and make simple ideas that everyone understands look like complex ones that only you can discern, you've got a future in the exciting world of Internet advertising.

Broadway Jim Jenkins

		Beware of False Prophets
		September 22, 1998 I used to work for the oldest company in America. Now I work for one of the newest. Each of them posed their own set of unique problems. In the army, 223 years of tradition, practices, and experience factor into every single thing a soldier does. From cleaning the latrine with a wooden mop to assaulting an objective with an M1 tank, the principles for planning and executing these operations have been passed down from "a million ghosts in olive drab, in brown khaki, in blue and gray." The template is carved very deeply and to deviate from that is nearly forbidden. This is extremely good for some. If one takes the time to memorize a couple dozen field manuals, one can go far in the army. When the battalion commander asks, "Captain, how do you propose to prepare your company defense?", just start quoting those field manuals. "Well sir, according to FM 17-15, Change 2, it seems to me that the best course of action is to put the company in a defensive posture perpendicular to the enemy's advance." What that means is that the young captain is going to put his guys in a line and wait for the other guys--the bad guys--to come stumbling into them. Of course, if he'd said it that way, the Colonel would have relieved him of command. In the army, it's not so much a question of who you know or what you know, but how people think you know it. If you put stuff into army-speak, you'll be a general in no time. (30 years tops.) What I just described is 100% true for a peacetime army. In times of war, however, history shows that a bolder, more entrepreneurial attitude toward whooping the enemy always saves the day. The problem is, those free-er thinkers usually leave the ranks of the regular army during peacetime; so the nation is left with timid, incompetents leading its sons and daughters into the initial battles of any major conflict. The company I work for now is not bounded by a whole lot of traditions. The template is not merely shallow; there is no template to work with at all. True, The New York Times is almost 150-years-old and full of bureaucratic absurdities. But I work for the Electronic Media division of the company. We're all about the Internet. Separate building. Separate bosses. Pretty much separate everything. We're a start-up company in a brand new industry. It's very exciting. And sometimes it's a little frustrating. Since there are no traditions to adhere to or standard operating procedures for us to follow left by Web pioneers long-dead, we're kind of feeling our way in the dark. However, since this is a business and we must make a profit to survive, we don't have time to cautiously feel out anything. I guess it's more accurate to say we're running as fast as we can through a dark, twisted maze. In these uncharted waters, plenty of opportunity exists for young "information speculators" to make a name for themselves. Since no one knows what they are doing, those who say they know something appear to be the long-awaited Messiah that will deliver a company from confusion. But these Messiahs speak in strange tongues. Their's is an ad hoc language; they make shit up as they go. There are a few Messiahs where I work. These guys quote Immanuel Kant and Pliny the Elder, Descartes and Darwin, Goethe and Gates to dazzle and mesmerize middle-aged managers who have been scratching their heads since the day the corporate execs put them in charge of "that Internet thing." These pre-Atari adults are more than happy to follow the Information Speculators, the Menu Bar Messiahs, the TCP/IP Pied Pipers. Finally, someone else can do the worrying for them. So, with no true adult supervision, companies like mine are led astray by wunderkind spouting nonsense. These kids say, "We need to provide content that matches the known interest of the user," which translates into "we need to write stuff people want to read." Phrases like: "semantic disconnect" "Rainmaker technology" "compartmentalized logic" "wild postings" "standard protocol" make these guys sound like they got something out of their Ivy League MBA. A guy from City College might betray the inherent limitations of his education by using such pedestrian terminology as: "you two are saying the same thing, just in a different way" "our product can help you find information about nearly everything" "the way we write for our business section is different than how we approach the arts" "fliers nailed to telephone poles" "the way we do things" Two of the favorite words spouted by young, information Messiahs are "savvy" and "guru." People who know how to use the Internet are savvy. People who really know how to use the Internet are Gurus. I hear those words a dozen times a day, and I've come to loathe them, the way Monica Lewinsky loathes dry cleaning. Now one thing it's taken me too long to learn and put into practice is the old saying, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." The drunks in AA say something similar with their Serenity Prayer. "God give me the wisdom to change the things I can, to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." (Or words to that effect.) These information Messiahs get promotions and they make more money than I do. So, hey, if they can bullshit their way up, why shouldn't I? So the other night, I'm at happy hour with one of these wunderkinds and we start talking shop. He was going on and on and on about the psychological motivations that one must have to use the Internet. "It's all about God or Gold or Love" he said, drawing out each word. The sheep bahhed in agreement. I remained silent. "What do you think Jim?" the Messiah asked me. "Well" I began with a complete look of seriousness on my face, "I think it all goes back to Eamon DeValera's application of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle to the usage patterns of mass media. One must seek before one can find. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true." After a moment's reflection, the Messiah spoke. "I agree. One must seek before one can find. That's the idea behind targeted banner advertising." A collective "ahh" rose up from the group. The conversation moved on. One of my buddies leaned over and whispered, "What the fuck did you just say?" "You mean you don't know?" I asked with false mortification. Then I smiled and let him in on the joke. Eamon DeValera was the first president of The Republic of Ireland. That's about all I remembered from my History of Great Britain class. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is something I learned in Physics or Chemistry. It has something to do with science, but it is only the name, and not the principle itself, that I remember. All the rest I just added as it came to me. What is the moral of this long story? Simple. Rapid, extraneous monologues imbued with excessive verbosity often results in rapid advancement. Translation: If you can talk fast and make simple ideas that everyone understands look like complex ones that only you can discern, you've got a future in the exciting world of Internet advertising. Broadway Jim Jenkins